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I miss:

  • the bitterness of coffee
  • a clean room
  • dangerous vulerability
  • walking in the dark
  • feeling the greatest joy
  • spit filled carpet and terrible acoustics
  • having a dishwasher
  • when Glee was actually good
  • being seventeen and looking terrible at prom but pretending it was my wedding anyways and not knowing what I’d agreed to but being terrified and happy about it
  • not knowing better
  • my bed
  • my mother’s cooking
  • handwritten letters
  • being told what to do
  • being sixteen and watching her make mashed potatoes at 4am for me because she loves me and feeling her hands trail down my back because she wants me
  • certainty
  • being in the top few percentile
  • sleeping early
  • beef patties
  • being 10lbs lighter
  • converse shoes
  • uniforms
  • being fifteen and feeling like the coolest fucking person in the world sitting in the passenger seat next to a boy who’s blasting his mediocre music and speeding down the highway in his shitty car. 
  • getting everything I want
  • being enthralled by reading
  • learning Bach fugues
  • playing in a wind ensemble
  • sensual satisfaction
  • suburbia
  • being fourteen and learning to play the guitar and by play the guitar I mean knowing the power chords so I could feel like a damn bad-ass while I lip-sync some Green Day
  • driving; the feeling of going somewhere
  • swimming lessons
  • glaciers and mountains
  • white hot chocolate and planned discussions of Dorian Gray
  • sock monkeys and third spares
  • not menstruating
  • having a gang with whom to eat lunch
  • milk vending machines
  • when French class included talking puppets
  • being twelve and falling in love for the first time or what I thought was falling in love and staying in love like that for what seemed like a lifetime
  • Pokémon Silver; GameBoy Colour
  • raking leaves and making a pile and jumping in and being disappointed at the lack of flying leaves
  • eating a plate of shrimp everyday
  • running through the bushes because that wasn’t allowed
  • having a friend in Australia
  • running into my parents’ bed
  • math with more numbers than symbols
  • believing that I’m special
  • running around in parks and tearing calluses on my hands from the monkey-bars and crying because sand landed in my eye
  • trying to draw
  • talking on the phone
  • being shocked at injustice
  • not staring at a computer screen for hours of my day
  • the orchards in blossom, the birds nesting in the hazel thicket, the summer barley in the lower fields, the taste of strawberries, the taste of food, the sound of water, the touch of grass, the Brandywine River, Bag End, The Lights in the Party Tree, and Rosie Cotton dancing.